Ranting

I made a very small amount of breakthrough today in regards to my relationship with my wife.  I went over to her apartment to drop off an orange beanie she wanted to borrow.  While I was there, and during normal, conversation, she called me "baby"...TWICE. I pretended not to notice at the time because I didn't want to make an awkward situation (yes it is still awkward, for me at least, to be in her presence and not know what she is thinking about me) any more awkward than it already was.  When I returned home I pondered a great deal whether or not I should pursue the Freudian slips.  After careful consideration, I decided that if they were indeed any indication of how she feels about me and I "let it go" then I could be passing up a beneficial opportunity to make a meaningful advancement via good conversation.  I knew I had to be diligent.  I tried calling her, but no answer.  Most likely because she was busy packing for her trip to Arkansas. She was incredibly busy, as always, when I left.  So I texted her.  I asked if I had detected a couple of Freudian slips while I was there. She replied that I had.  I asked if there was any inner meaning and she told me to try not to analyze it too much.  We talked back and forth for a little while until I finally had had enough of the beating around the bush.  My emotional health is at stake here, after all.  So I called her bluff and told her that I knew that if her calling me "baby" two times within 5 minutes was just a slip of the tongue and a habit then she would not hesitate in telling me so.  I also pointed out that she had hesitated quite a bit.  I asked here the only yes or no question I knew to ask in order to resolve my emotional distress once and for all.  I asked her if there is any possibility whatsoever of us ever getting back together again.  However, to this all powerful, all telling question, I received no simple answer.  I received the same answer I have been receiving since day one.  She told me she honestly didn't know.  This is not a yes...This is not a no... One might say that my actions are pathetic.  A few of my friends have told me that she doesn't deserve me and that she is not good for me.  I beg to differ.  She represents to me all that I value in my own life.  Family, friends, a partner, a mother to my child/children, and I could go on and on.  One may even make the argument that time heals all pain and that, in time, I will move on and find another woman who can fulfill all of these voids currently present in my soul.  To this I reply; I am not looking for a person to fulfill the void left by my wife.  I have family and friends.  I could easily go out and find another partner who could be a great step mom.  I know all of this.  But, that person would not be my wife.  I want my wife.  I want all of our plans that we made to grow old together and retire in Oakhurst near Bass Lake to come to fruition.  I want to be there to share in her joy when she graduates CSUCI with her bachelor's degree.  She worked so hard at it and I have been there through it all with her.  I should have been more supportive of her needs while she was going through some of the most stressful times of her life.  I should have been home every night.  I should have pitched in with making dinner more often.  I should have helped out around the house more often.  I should have told her, in ways other than verbally, how much I loved her.  I don't think I made it know on a daily basis just how much she meant to me.  And now, when I need her the most, when my life is at it's lowest, I don't think that I can count on her being there for me because she doesn't understand what I know now and how I have changed.  One could easily tell me how she is no good for me and that she will never change and I could do better and blah blah blah.  But none of those people have ever loved someone as deeply as I love my wife.  If they had they would have never given up hope either.  If they had then they would know how I cling to every shred of hope because the love for my wife is too strong, and perhaps too stubborn, to give up and succumb to the logic and the reasoning that these friends and family of mine would have me "learn".  To them I say, "If seeing me like this bothers you then stay out of my way.  It will most likely get worse before it gets better."  Whatever the cost, whatever the lengths I may have to go to, I will not stop loving my wife and I will not give up on the notion that she loves me back.  I know she still has feelings for me I can tell by the way she looks at me.  I know she still loves me I can hear it in her voice.  I also hear pain in her voice.  Pain I know I caused.  I broke her heart just as I have broken my own.  I cannot blame her for her apprehensiveness.  A lot of the reasons she is hesitant to come back to me has to do with the things I did (or didn't do) and said to her.  Mean disgusting things I said to her.  If I could only relive those days.  Instead of arguing with her I would give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be OK.  I would make effort to see that she is happy.  Nine times out of Ten we would fight about the things I could be doing more of around the house to help her out since she had the busier of our two schedules, by far!  How could I have even hesitated?  Of course I see now how I can change and have changed so much about myself.  This is only one of many that I can think of.  I always blamed her for being so overloaded with working full time and school full time that she was so stressed out all of the time and that was why we were arguing so much.  Had I done my part as a husband, as a PARTNER, she may not have even had so much to stress about.  And if she still stressed and took it out on me I would probably have been able to brush it off a lot easier knowing that I did my part instead of fighting back with her in defense of myself because I was guilty and I knew she was usually right.  I love her more than anything in the world and I would give anything if she would just admit that stupid mistakes were made on both of our parts but that we can forgive and forget.  I know that I, for one, have turned over a new leaf regardless.  I hope that I can portray some of these feelings to her in a way that I don't sound pretentious or too eager.  These are my true feelings for those of you who would actually read this.... that ought to be enough for 3:30 am lol.  I couldn't sleep until I wrote about her some more.  I love you Michelle.