Bad Ass Weekend

So I just got home from an awesome weekend with my sister!  We journeyed to San Francisco for a 49ers home game versus the Cardinals.  Awesome shit I tell you.  I don't think I could have asked for a better game to go see for my first ever 49ers home game!  Except the rain, but that wasn't so bad with the aid of a $8.00 poncho.  I can't believe I paid 8 bucks for a trash bag with holes in it... At least I wasn't the only jackass that did it!  Hmm well lets see.  If you have never been to San Francisco I highly recommend it.  Especially south San Francisco.  Let's put it this way;    South San Francisco = 10x + y  where x is the weirdness factor of Hollywood and y is the activity of Venice Beach!  Had a blast.  Talk about sensory overload tho...After a nearly six hour drive up there, shitty sleep due to springy bed, 49ers whoopin' major ass, and nearly six hours back in the span of 39 hours (of which I maybe slept 4) I am pretty beat.  So feel privileged that I even took the 3 minutes to write this stupid blog.  If anyone ever reads it that is... I think I just like talking to myself.  Who better to talk to than myself tho?  I always agree, I rarely argue, I share mostly the same opinions, and I'm a generally likable person!  Even for me!  OK I'm obviously way too tired....

arrrghh

So I'm starting to go stir crazy.  Need to go back to work soon. I am, however, taking a class on Tuesday which is required by all tradesmen on a project near the Nevada state line.  Hopefully they scheduled the class in order to fill positions out there

My Stunning Realization (at least to myself)

The events which have transpired within the last 5 days have forever changed me.  I feel that I reached a new level of spiritual enlightenment.  It began with a sudden struggle with the concept of God.  Not that I hadn't wrestled with this problem of problems before but there was a sense of urgency this time.  After many continuous hours of searching and searching I found my answer. SPOILER ALERT!!! Man invented all religion, regardless of form or sect.  I know big whoop right?  There are millions of people who already believe this Joel they call themselves ATHEISTS you friggin retard.  Well I think I may have stumbled upon something that will help their cause as opposed to the "divine" cause of the church.


I began at the only logical place to begin - the basis for many of the religions of the world; the "seven deadly sins". These of course being greed, gluttony, sloth, pride, lust, envy and wrath.  The church says that sins are each based on one or several of these forbidden vices.  If the church would have their word undisputed, then he who looks upon his neighbor's success and wishes to have the same in order to replicate his own hapiness is guilty of envy.  All of us who have ever wanted to have more of a good thing (money) regardless of whether or not we actually needed more are guilty of greed.  Every year when we celebrate Thanksgiving we are all committing gluttony.  I could write pages and pages about the examples of how man commits these "sins" while going through the daily grind of his entire life.  The examples are not, however, important. What is important is that it happens.  We all do it.  We all have a built in need to pursue these "vices".  I asked a friend of mine today what emotion she felt drives her to live instead of die.  What drives her to succeed?  She gave the reply I am sure 99% of humanity would give.  Happiness.  We hear about the allusion of the pursuit of happiness from the time we are in grade school.  Our country dedicated 1/3 of its entire cause to it.  What we do not study quite as deeply is how, exactly, this happiness is achieved.  Secret time...the vast majority of all of mankind's happiness stems from the fulfillment of one or more of the seven deadly sins.  Every single time we fulfill one of these "vices" we are rewarded with happiness.  It is the nature of man to strive for this type of fulfillment.  Happiness is therefore a sort of secondary emotion granted to us by living out our constant needs of greed, gluttony,sloth, pride, envy, lust, and even wrath.  All necessary to the advancement of Humankind.  So where does all this guilt we hear about stem from.  We made it up.  I realized that there could only be two two reasons to feel guilty about our human nature.  The first reason would stem from fulfilling our needs at the significant loss of another.  This would certainly instill guilty feelings in the vast majority of good people.  It can not, however, be attributed to the fulfillment of the "vice".  There could be numerous reasons one would create a situation to wrong his fellow man.  Most attributed to some sort of mental disorder or another.  It does not necessarily stem from the "vice" itself.  Therefore the "vice" cannot be solely blamed.  The second reason for this unnecessary and often overpowering feeling of guilt, the very same guilt that can drive a man to take his own life in the most dire of situations, is simply that the church has told us that it is bad to embrace these "seven deadly sins" and therefore we should feel guilty for wronging our God.  They made it up for reasons of sheer brilliance and possibly even greed.  The only way to ensure that man will keep sinning is to take the very things that make him human and declare them the basis for their sins.  Brilliant move really.  By doing this the church alienates man, makes him seek forgiveness for his overwhelming feeling of guilt.  Interesting that the very thing we ultimately seek, Forgiveness, is the very thing that keeps us prisoner to the illusion of guilt.  Why would the church do such a thing to us?  I don't think I need to point out that the church exists to herd man's spiritualism into a controllable, manageable group, soothing his fears and the things he cannot explain.  Offering the concept of guilt and the path to forgiveness in one convenient package.  And hey lets not forget that the church accepts charitable donations for their divine services rendered.  It stands to reason then, that they would attempt to gather as many followers as possible and protect their assets by means of a great crusade in "god's" name to purge or convert the heathen non believers. They even convinced EVERYONE that this killing was the one and only exception to the exemption of self defense rule.  An exception suddenly made up to serve their urgent purpose, as was the whole concept in the first place.  By turning man against himself, the church has solidified its position of power GLOBALLY, a feat I would like to point out that no great army of the known history of the world has ever come close to accomplishing.  This is the power of deceit.  The same power that commands 95% of the world in one form or another.  The Christians were not the only ones to do this they just did it best and with more willingness to kill in order to procure their seat of ultimate power.  Sound at all familiar?  Greed perhaps?  Maybe, wrath?  How about mans insatiable lust for power?  As evidence to the basis upon I perch this essay I offer to you who will listen, the simple and obvious fact that not even the men who run the very organization that declares these sins are exempt from pursuing and fulfilling their fair share.  It's our nature to derive happiness from these Seven Lively Virtues.  The only reason you feel guilty about it is because someone told you ought to.  Wake up and fight the lies people!  We no longer live in an age of wondrous mystical unexplained phenomena, which creates panic in the masses, and which can only be pacified by the comfort of a higher power with your best interest at heart.  With the advancement of modern science and medicine, we have outgrown our infant need for such pacification and as such it is time to cease the lies, deceit, and total corruption of a plague that the church now represents to mankind.  You don't think so?  How many millions of campaign dollars to fight topics like abortion, gay marriages, and other religious taboo topics do you think came from the very collection plates to which you so ignorantly fund?  Judging from the current standpoint on some of these topics I would speculate (which is all anyone can do because the church does not have to report all of its donations for fear of a tax audit ) at least half.  It would appear to any man of logical reason, that the church has become a machine, a tool, to further its own income and survival in order to maintain power over topics in life that should be ours to vote on for ourselves!  There is a healthy representation of greed for you.  This essay which begs of you to act is proof that even wrathful feelings can be healthy.


Was there once a purpose for organized religion?  Most assuredly.  Did they serve a purpose?  Absolutely.  But times have changed and the only lesson from this that has always, and will always, stood the test of time is  that power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, and DIVINE power corrupts oh so DIVINELY.  Only man, the one true entity that actually possesses the present ability to change anything in our physical realm of function, has the power to decide that enough is enough and it is time to live life as we were intended to live it.  Through our obvious free will, our insatiable thirst for happiness and, finally, the means to procure that happiness without being subjected to religious slavery.  Think about it.  Did I say anything that didn't resonate within the fibers of those of you who aren't given to your own deception?  That feeling is the feeling I felt earlier today.  That is self realization shining a new "holy light" upon you.  Embrace it and be born anew, free to live, free to be happy, free from the lies of the clergy!!

positivity

On a good note, my San Francisco 49ers are 7-1!! Who would have thought that some small, minor adjustments to the defense and the addition of a WR would have made such a big difference?  This is the same basic team they have had the last few years but all of a sudden they composed themselves and have begun to gel as a team. The defensive front 7 are THE BEST in the NFL.  I'm not merely voicing my opinion either.  The numbers don't lie.  Most team tackles for a loss, most forced turnovers, highest turnover differential with something sick like +12.  And the vast majority of these stats can be attributed to the front 7.  As if Patrick Willis wasn't bad enough for offenses around the league to worry about, his partner in crime Navarro Bowman is doing more than his part, leading the team in tackles.  He seems to be everywhere.  In addition to the new-found dominance on defense, the hiring of former pro quarterback Jim Harbaugh as head coach has really done wonders for the offense.  For starters, implementing a west coast style run and gun offense and utilizing Alex Smith's ability to be mobile, along with whatever magic dust Harbaugh has sprinkled on him, has finally brought about the play style from Smith that we all knew he possessed but just couldn't manifest on the field.  Smith is among the top rated passers in the league right now.  His name being listed among such talked-about greats as Aaron Rogers, Tom Brady, and Eli Manning.  In his 8 games so far this season Smith has only thrown one interception.  The passing game isn't even the best part of it.  With the one two punch of Frank Gore and Kendall Hunter defenses in the league don't know what to do in order to stop the run.  As soon as they decide to play heavy run stop by blitzing the a and b gaps and jamming up in between the tackles, Harbaugh will call on number 32 for a toss play outside or the dreaded San Francisco 34 wham.  The influence of Coach Harbaugh's personality resonates in the run style of the 49ers offense as well.  The smash mouth, no disguises, "I'm coming right at you, stop me if you can. I dare you" style of running is a lot like the boisterous, emotional head coach's demeanor.  All in all, I would have to say my 49ers are definately playoff bound.  If they can remain healthy on defense and keep the running game strong, they may even be able to knock off the packers this winter and go to the superbowl.  Too soon?  Probably, but it's fun to speculate and they have shown no signs of letting up.  Next week in the Meadowlands versus the Giants will be a pretty good test.  We have already beaten the, then undefeated, Lions in Detroit as well as the Eagles in Philly so disassembling the Giants in New York is not far fetched.  In fact it's feasible and my money is definitely on the 9ers!!

Ranting

I made a very small amount of breakthrough today in regards to my relationship with my wife.  I went over to her apartment to drop off an orange beanie she wanted to borrow.  While I was there, and during normal, conversation, she called me "baby"...TWICE. I pretended not to notice at the time because I didn't want to make an awkward situation (yes it is still awkward, for me at least, to be in her presence and not know what she is thinking about me) any more awkward than it already was.  When I returned home I pondered a great deal whether or not I should pursue the Freudian slips.  After careful consideration, I decided that if they were indeed any indication of how she feels about me and I "let it go" then I could be passing up a beneficial opportunity to make a meaningful advancement via good conversation.  I knew I had to be diligent.  I tried calling her, but no answer.  Most likely because she was busy packing for her trip to Arkansas. She was incredibly busy, as always, when I left.  So I texted her.  I asked if I had detected a couple of Freudian slips while I was there. She replied that I had.  I asked if there was any inner meaning and she told me to try not to analyze it too much.  We talked back and forth for a little while until I finally had had enough of the beating around the bush.  My emotional health is at stake here, after all.  So I called her bluff and told her that I knew that if her calling me "baby" two times within 5 minutes was just a slip of the tongue and a habit then she would not hesitate in telling me so.  I also pointed out that she had hesitated quite a bit.  I asked here the only yes or no question I knew to ask in order to resolve my emotional distress once and for all.  I asked her if there is any possibility whatsoever of us ever getting back together again.  However, to this all powerful, all telling question, I received no simple answer.  I received the same answer I have been receiving since day one.  She told me she honestly didn't know.  This is not a yes...This is not a no... One might say that my actions are pathetic.  A few of my friends have told me that she doesn't deserve me and that she is not good for me.  I beg to differ.  She represents to me all that I value in my own life.  Family, friends, a partner, a mother to my child/children, and I could go on and on.  One may even make the argument that time heals all pain and that, in time, I will move on and find another woman who can fulfill all of these voids currently present in my soul.  To this I reply; I am not looking for a person to fulfill the void left by my wife.  I have family and friends.  I could easily go out and find another partner who could be a great step mom.  I know all of this.  But, that person would not be my wife.  I want my wife.  I want all of our plans that we made to grow old together and retire in Oakhurst near Bass Lake to come to fruition.  I want to be there to share in her joy when she graduates CSUCI with her bachelor's degree.  She worked so hard at it and I have been there through it all with her.  I should have been more supportive of her needs while she was going through some of the most stressful times of her life.  I should have been home every night.  I should have pitched in with making dinner more often.  I should have helped out around the house more often.  I should have told her, in ways other than verbally, how much I loved her.  I don't think I made it know on a daily basis just how much she meant to me.  And now, when I need her the most, when my life is at it's lowest, I don't think that I can count on her being there for me because she doesn't understand what I know now and how I have changed.  One could easily tell me how she is no good for me and that she will never change and I could do better and blah blah blah.  But none of those people have ever loved someone as deeply as I love my wife.  If they had they would have never given up hope either.  If they had then they would know how I cling to every shred of hope because the love for my wife is too strong, and perhaps too stubborn, to give up and succumb to the logic and the reasoning that these friends and family of mine would have me "learn".  To them I say, "If seeing me like this bothers you then stay out of my way.  It will most likely get worse before it gets better."  Whatever the cost, whatever the lengths I may have to go to, I will not stop loving my wife and I will not give up on the notion that she loves me back.  I know she still has feelings for me I can tell by the way she looks at me.  I know she still loves me I can hear it in her voice.  I also hear pain in her voice.  Pain I know I caused.  I broke her heart just as I have broken my own.  I cannot blame her for her apprehensiveness.  A lot of the reasons she is hesitant to come back to me has to do with the things I did (or didn't do) and said to her.  Mean disgusting things I said to her.  If I could only relive those days.  Instead of arguing with her I would give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be OK.  I would make effort to see that she is happy.  Nine times out of Ten we would fight about the things I could be doing more of around the house to help her out since she had the busier of our two schedules, by far!  How could I have even hesitated?  Of course I see now how I can change and have changed so much about myself.  This is only one of many that I can think of.  I always blamed her for being so overloaded with working full time and school full time that she was so stressed out all of the time and that was why we were arguing so much.  Had I done my part as a husband, as a PARTNER, she may not have even had so much to stress about.  And if she still stressed and took it out on me I would probably have been able to brush it off a lot easier knowing that I did my part instead of fighting back with her in defense of myself because I was guilty and I knew she was usually right.  I love her more than anything in the world and I would give anything if she would just admit that stupid mistakes were made on both of our parts but that we can forgive and forget.  I know that I, for one, have turned over a new leaf regardless.  I hope that I can portray some of these feelings to her in a way that I don't sound pretentious or too eager.  These are my true feelings for those of you who would actually read this.... that ought to be enough for 3:30 am lol.  I couldn't sleep until I wrote about her some more.  I love you Michelle.

Holy shit

So my and my wife's friend sara tried to help our situation tonight. I was hopeful, as always that michelle would take something from someone other than me and notice that she still loves me. Stupid, huh ? What do I really believe? That she is going to just hear something and snap and come running back to me? I would never have thought of myself to be subject to such delusion, however I have never been so emotionally vulnerable either. Truth is I love my wife more than I value humility, shame, or even pride. I think she believes that sara and I conspire against her. This is not the case. Sara is a helpless romantic and would love nothing better than for michelle and I to work things out. I feel the same way and I will never give up. Michelle had told me that she still loves me and that she wishes we could work things out. She has even indicated to sara that she believes this is possible. Why then, does she defend her apprehensiveness? There has to be more. In the early days of our separation I, at the word of her unintended advice, began dating another woman. I even went far enough to gamble that if I told her about this woman that she would realize she wanted me back. What a mistake that was. The only effect this had on her was to further her pain and anger to such an end where she became even more callous and she too began dating. This was the turning point in the whole situation, as only days earlier I had convinced her to attend marriage counseling with me. Needless to say,this was no longer an option. However, despite all that has happened, I have truly changed. I now have the vision of the proverbial 20/20 hindsight which allows me the knowledge of my own faults and how I no longer wish to be that person. How I wish to be the person who loves my wife and would do anything to ensure her happiness. I now value most in life that which I should have valued all along, that which I may never again hold in my possession; michelle's love and acceptance. I obsess over it to the point that I try to track down this new man in her life and learn everything about him I can. I fear that if I ever see him in person that I will hand him the worst beating of his life. That I will finalize the end of mine and michelle's relationship with one voracious act of violence. Even though I am aware of this potential problem I also know that I will give into my emotion and I will not be able to help myself. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I caution you to be wary. I don't mean to threaten you but imagine if someone was trying to take your son from you. Or any family member for that matter. Would you not feel the same way? I believe that it is in our nature as human beings to react with desperation in order to preserve our family. My wife is a very real part of my vision of family. How could she not be. If you believe any differently, and challenge my assertive nature, I will destroy you. I am capable and very willing to fulfill this promise. Don't test the waters. You are acting as my enemy and will be treated as such. Heed this warning. Leave it be. If after a period of time michelle and I only find our closure, then that is different. At that time I will have a different viewpoint. I don't even care if anyone reads this. It just feels good to get it out. I love you michelle and I always, always will. I will, perhaps sadly, always be ready to take you back as my wife. No matter what the circumstances. I'm not sure I can elaborate any more so I'm just going to stop here.

I Never Told You

I never told you that my favorite view is your smile.
I never told you that my favorite time of day is waking up next to you.
I never told you how much I appreciate you being a good stepmom; the best.
I never told you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes.
I never told you how strong you are.
I never told you how strong you make me.
I never told you how good you made me feel everyday.
Realizing all of this now, I never really told you I love you.
I love you.

The Birth and Death of a Love Once Great

You cam to me, I felt so comfortable.
Those first few years were so untouchable.
We loved, we lived, we shared, we played, we laughed.
The one for me had finally come, at last.
The bond we shared was indestructible.

The years went by and seemed to blend together.
Our loving high fell slowly like a feather.
Our lives became a carefully scheduled rut,
The doorway to the next phase tightly shut.
Not knowing what changed will haunt me now forever.

If I could do it all over again,
I'd take with me the lessons learned since then.
The man you loved is not gone, he remains.
He'd only temporarily lost his way.
But you gave up and will not let me in.

I feel now empty, I have lost it all.
How much further downward can I fall?
Life from here, at best, is bittersweet.
No one like you could I possibly ever meet.
It may be easier to end it all...

Hello World

Hello World.  I am new to the world of blogging and I don't quite know yet if it will be for me. I will start with a couple of poems I wrote inspired by the painful past months due to my recent split with my wife. I hope I am not judged too horribly...